How To Be OK With Shame For Weight Loss Success
I know some psychologists, therapists, and authors in our culture are putting out a contradictory message at the moment….but, this is my perspective after becoming intimate with hundreds, going on thousands of people, in my coaching business. Shame is a very useful emotion. Shame is no different than guilt, disgrace, and embarrassment. It signals that we’ve taken action that results in a loss of self respect or honor. It is caused by the “consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior”. Foolish behavior is any action that endangers our short term safety or long term security. It occurs with slow or dull intellect or a benumbed or dazed state of mind. It signals that we need to wake up and smell the coffee!
Shame is a very useful emotion in that it guides us towards constructive choices & self enhancing behavior. Shame has our immediate safety and long term security in mind when it rears its head. It’s telling us that a choice we made or action we took was not in our own best interest. It’s telling us to make a different choice in the future or act in a way that is more awake and alert.
Shame is not toxic, but suppressing and denying shame is toxic. Shame is our best friend when we don’t push it away or let it fester in our soul. Our parents don’t make us ashamed, society doesn’t make us ashamed…it is a gift from our subconscious mind.
The way to not feel ashamed is to be alert and awake…& make wise choices That is, choices that meet our immediate needs while keeping our long term security in mind. It starts with awareness and ends with consciousness. When making decisions, your inner dialogue might sound something like: “What do I feel, what do I need, and how can I meet that need in a way that aligns with my values and goals?”
If you do make a foolish choice- & trust me, you still will….I still make foolish choices quite frequently and I live and breathe this work….allow the shame, decide what you could have done differently or will do differently in the future, and have a “redo” in your mind. Then, let it go!
So many of us are eating/drinking to numb our shame, rather than embracing it to grow and learn. Numbing our shame only results in more foolish behavior and more shame. It’s a vicious cycle. The only way to stop the cycle is to start by embracing this useful emotion and understanding it’s there to help us.
If you’re confused about shame because of cultural messaging or need help learning how to embrace it & learn & grow from it, while having grace for yourself, contact me to schedule a 20 minute call. This is important work, and I’m glad to help you with it!